Today was a hard day.
Sunday was the sweetest day of the week for Philip and me. He would put his arm around me in church and we would hold hands when we prayed, and the kids would crawl all over us and we would walk together to take communion.
I loved worshiping together with him as we sang. I loved the shared silent laughs as we would poke fun at songs we didn't like or other silly little things. All it took was a glance and a raised eyebrow, and me trying my best to reverently reprimand him if he got a little too loud in church.
Occasionally we would fuss a little as we tried hard to get chores done on Sunday mornings and we would rush to try not to be too terribly late. Cross words might fly. Usually it would only take one song until one of us would grab the other's hand and whisper sorry to make up.
It was horrible to walk into church without Philip. I had to grip Nora and Rose's hand so tightly I was afraid it might hurt.
The scriptures were great, but I had to sing through my tears.
I thought I might stay home, but decided that no matter how long I waited, there would be pain.
I think there might be pain for a very long time.
My dad wanted to take us out to eat afterward. I couldn't go to our favorite Sunday afternoon Chinese buffet in Salem. Too many memories. I guess we will go another time. I think they will miss Philip there. He always spoke to the owner about his jazz collection. And to the servers about Chinese phrases. We would sit and eat and laugh and laugh for over two hours. Couldn't go. So we went to another restaurant and I ate.
My sister returned home this afternoon. Julie arrived. She helped Dad and me get chores done while kids spent some time in town with friends. I milked Priscilla. We fed goats and pigs and cows and chickens.
Freda died. Just like our other ewe a couple of years ago. The loss of her babies and her best friend Willow was more than she could handle. She just quit eating. She wouldn't get up. She was perfectly healthy after the babies were born. Ate and drank. Never got an infection or anything. But after the losses, she just wouldn't eat.
Daddy threw together a salad for us to share tonight. Greens and chicken and red pepper and tomato and cheese. I was satisfied. Not ready to feast yet. But definitely ready to continue to walk forward. Tomorrow we plan to deliver two lambs, two hogs and a goat to the butcher. Next day need to slaughter chickens and a turkey.
During the time of congregational prayer I praised God. He is my sustainer and my strength.
By the way, the sun was shining and the temperatures were up to 60 today. The snow on the ridge is shrinking. Stream running full.