Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Synchronicity. Or Beautiful Dance

I forgot one of the reasons I write this blog. Well, one of the primary reasons, actually.

Maggie checks in with the blog every once in a while from her college. It gives her a little window into home.

Things have been harried, as per usual. And each thing merits a blog post or two or three. A son with mysterious collapsing episodes and the subsequent ambulance ride, dr. visits, specialist referrals, all requiring 3 plus hour drives one way to take care of testing. A missing young woman in our town, disappeared without a trace, attends the local university. Helicopters, searches, frightened kids, a daughter in my bed, locks on doors locked. Parents entering a new chapter of life. Decide to sell and move to Alpine. Best news ever. With some of the hardest adjustments ever. Parkinsons and research. A daughter hit by SUV. While on her bike. Another ambulance trip. And all okay, minimal injuries, no broken bones. All our painful problems seem to be the easy version.

But they add up, don't they.

That said...

We live in a butterfly sanctuary. Remember that post on wild, unruly gardens? Those gardens have paid amazing dividends in the butterfly department. There are hundreds. Maybe thousands, of butterflies on our property. They hover and dip, drink and flutter. Sulfurs, monarchs, swallowtails. I have yet to sit outside and count. I should do that tomorrow! What an exercise in mindfulness. Honey bees, flies, wasps. Moths. More butterflies. When I walk out to the garden, they swell up in a cloud.

I feel so lucky.

My own sanctuary.

I am feeling a bit of self pity, in what feels a bit like a desperate need to escape into a personal silent retreat in nature.

Now is not the time. A time will come. It always does, because I work to make it happen.

But sometimes you have to press through for a bit. I am praying and meditating more than normal. A bit crispy and hard around the edges, pressed down a bit hard. My attitude is not so gleaming right now.

Oh, but the moments.

Butterflies, more than I have ever seen in my life!

Tender moments with my parents, more than I have ever experienced in my life. I was thinking about how I have probably shared more tender kisses on the lips and sweet hugs with my mom and dad the past few months than in the last 20 years! Maybe more.

I get to have conversations with my kids that are meaningful and rich. We eat stuff out of the garden. Not a lot, but enough. I have a couple of friends who don't judge me when I am frazzled and at the end of my rope.

The zinnias are tired, and frankly, I should cut them all back. They have bloomed and bloomed and bloomed. Not as fresh as July.

But the butterflies are thirsty, and those blooms, and that of the marigolds, the calendula, the coral vine, the red vine, whatever that is, and the sunflowers, well, they might be tired, but they are giving those lovely butterflies the boost they need to make it a bit further down the road. The butterflies don't seem to mind that the flowers are not quite at their peak. They are just happy to see them. And to get a great big drink of nectar.

Oh! And, I was hoping to get a bit more creative in the bakery. The past few weeks I have been adding some new things. Sales are up. I feel happy to bake, even if I am tired. I raised my prices enough for the now. Sourdough is bubbling. i have some vision.

I think we are surviving over here. And hopefully thriving. My new moon wishes all start out with a wish and prayer to get back my creative, joyful spark. Not quite there. But the moments make me think it is in the works, just like that sourdough starter!