After a brief time away, I have returned home.
I thought I might try to have a little fun, but what I got was a very intense time of working through some grief. Not that I have worked through it and am now done, but it was the first time to be able to be alone for a couple of days.
It was pretty painful. But I think it was probably good to have the margin to be able to feel. Feeling certainly can be intense.
During the couple of alone days I was able to see that we need to take a break this weekend from the farmer's market to be able to come together as a family to figure out how we can honor Philip's memory this Father's Day. It is a bit hard for me to take off when I think about the responsibility I have to take care of our family finances. However, part of taking care of our family is taking care of each other and non-stop work makes that very difficult.
If I bake anything at all this weekend, I will be baking for my children. We will love on each other, work on the garden, milk the cows and the goats and spend time with family.
Grief work is exhausting and I am trying to believe that sometimes the best thing for the family and the farm is to stop and regroup periodically.
I have so many things I wish to post, but you might be happy to know that I spent the days away writing in pencil in my beautiful journal. I probably won't post most of it because it would be rather repetitive, talking about how alone I feel with Philip gone and how painful it is and how alone I feel with Philip gone and how painful it is.
Along with the very sad moments I had enough margin the spend time thinking of very lovely memories. I cried buckets of tears and I think it was valuable to have the space to do that.
Now, I am happy to be home. To hug my dear children and to see Coco and the other animals. To let green wash over my eyes.
So don't worry. All is okay, at least as okay as things can be for me right now. No serious depression or isolation. Just a brief pause. More stories coming right up.