Trying to Figure it out

Last night I went to a Chamber of Commerce mixer which took place at the new business of an aquaintance and bread customer of mine.

It was rather hard to leave the kids for the evening, but they seemed to be fine as I put on go to town clothes and some lipstick.

I don't get out much, but feel it is important to spend a little time each month getting to know some folks in my community, not to mention have some grown up time.

I hopped on the bicycle and rode up the hill, around the corner and down the side of the college campus in the brisk, dark evening.

Folks mingled. Tables were laden with ceviche, carnitas, tamales, pico de gallo. Yeah. I am definitely back in Texas!

I visited with a woman I had previously met at church. She was lamenting the fact that being a writer, she hadn't been exercising her craft, but was bogged down in trivia.

I told her I thought that part of the reason I felt a bit exhausted and frustrated was that with the start up of my business here in Alpine, with trying to run a household as a single mom and manage two properties in two states, I was always needing to use a certain part of the brain, leaving little time for my creative energies to be expressed. I haven't been able to figure out where to fit in writing and hiking and outdoors in our new life. Too much work on figuring stuff out, like ordering ingredients and making labels and marketing and what not.

Not necessarily bogged down in trivia, because the things that occupy me are definitely not trivial. Nevertheless, I am still trying to figure out how to exercise the writing part of my brain that thrives with creative energy.

I knew that the farm was a great venue and tried hard not to take it for granted. All that built in outdoor, meditation time, thanks to Coco and milking. And chasing errant animals. And having to fix fence. How in the world am I going to figure out how to get all my creative needs met, here in our little town?

Well, riding my bike back home in the dark, I listened to the whiz of the tires and felt the brisk wind smack my cheeks. I thought about the variety of people with whom I spoke. So many different stories and journeys, all thrown together in one Chamber of Commerce mixer! Spicy, sweet, pungent, all mixed up like that nice pico, ready to enhance our tacos.

I wanted to run away. To sit on the top of my favorite mountain. To feel the sun on my face and to journal and pray. But today I couldn't do that. Responsibility called. I prayed that God would meet me in the middle of it, as I felt frustration mount.

And can you believe it? I believe I was met. There was opportunity to hand out a few hugs today. There was opportunity to pray with some friends. There was a moment of tender transparency between mother and daughter. I guess I am tired and don't even feel like searching for the words. There are things I want to write, but I am always running out of steam by the end of the day.

As that woman and I chatted at the gathering last night, I suggested that I would pray for her to find her spot to write, if she would pray for me. I prefer to write when inspiration is flowing, full of energy. But maybe I had better write, even when dull and not terribly inspired so I will be in place when those wonderful moments happen to unfold.

Sorry readers, for subjecting you to random wandering thoughts. I guess if I were a better blogger, I would edit all this stuff out. But here I am anyway. Trying to figure out what my life is about here in our new world, off farm. I do believe we are in the middle of our land of Milk and Honey, here in Alpine, but I am not sure what that means. I can't even begin to describe the giant skies and the wide opens and the way the shadows of the clouds decorate the low hills. As I drove and looked in awe and wonder yesterday, I tried to come up with words and it was beyond me. I am having to come up with a new vocabulary and it is a bit tiring. Maybe you should come back in a few months after I have it all figured out (ha ha.)